Of all the gin joints all told the towns all told the globe, she walks into…one that appears like that?! I’ve got no idea what gin joints sounded like back within the 1940s but I’m guessing it absolutely was nothing just like the obvious studio set which served as Rick’s Café Américain in Casablanca. Hollywood could also be great at creating a verisimilitude of nearly everything–Wall Street, the western United States, even outer space–but there’s one setting they always fuck up: bars. Regardless of the standard of the movie, regardless of the pedigree of the cast and crew, cinema simply cannot depict a bar that appears and sounds like anyone you have ever visited within the universe.
1) THEY’RE TOO BRIGHT
As bright as big-box electronics stores, Movie bars are always lit up. Maybe if we gave the impression of Ryan Gosling or Emma Stone in Crazy Stupid Love we’d move to crazy stupid bright bars as their characters do. Unfortunately, we do not and, thus, bars within the planet are dimly lit to help our romances (I mean, beer goggles).
2) THEY’RE OVERLARGE
Bars within the planet are cramped and crowded places where people need to shuffle sideways simply to urge from one side to the opposite. Movie bars are big as gymnasiums: Cafe Americain, Jack Rabbit Slim’s (Pulp Fiction), The Titty Twister (From Dusk Till Dawn), as movie sets need ample space for cameras and equipment. They also use props like space-saving acrylic and bar stools that avoid occupying a lot of space. Why it takes Henry Hill an honest minute-and-a-half to steer from one side of The Bamboo Lounge to the opposite.
3) THEY’RE TOO QUIET
Now I do not particularly like loud bars. It’s one reason I’m going during the “real” happy hour. During quiet hours are loud, even quiet bars. Not within the movies though, where characters like Will Hunting easily have lengthy conversations using their “inside voices.”
4) THEY’RE TOO GLAMOROUS (OR WAY TOO FILTHY)
Movie bars are never the sawdust and beer-soaked places most people frequent. Even their bathrooms are spotless places for doing all of your makeup…or coke. (I said goddamn!) That’s another excuse real-world bars are so dark–you ever stumble into one when the house lights are still up? It’s sort of a biohazard scene.
5) FELLOW PATRONS ARE NEVER NORMAL
Recreation, Interaction, Indoor games and sports, Games, Display device, Conversation, Barware, Drinking establishment, Tavern, Pub,
Besides the most character, movie bars are always crammed with the largest degenerates, perverts, unemployable, alcoholics, and all-around fuck-ups in town.
6) THE BARTENDERS ARE WAY TOO COMPETENT
Let’s be honest, despite all the highly-skilled mixologists within the world today, the barkeep at your average playground remains a twentysomething bozo who can’t remember the contents of a rum and Coke. Movie bartenders, on the opposite hand, aren’t just brilliant drink makers, they’re sages, ready to offer stunning insights about the globe after just some moments of chatting with a stranger.
7) THE BOUNCERS ARE WAY TOO MENACING
Whenever I encounter a bouncer plunked ahead of a bar, he’s usually too busy playing QuizUp on his Droid to hoist his fatass of the little stool to test my ID. But within the movies bouncers are men so musclebound, so focused on the work, they must surely be working security for the Sultan of Brunei, not guarding the Roxbury.
8) EVERYONE WANTS TO FIGHT
Then again, maybe these menacing bouncers are necessary, because, within the movies, people don’t head to bars to socialize and find shit-faced, nope, they’re only there hoping to fight. An accidentally spilled drink, an incidental bump or shove, even asking someone about their former profession as a shoeshine boy will sooner or later result in a fistfight at a movie bar.
9) CUSTOMERS CAN DO AS THEY PLEASE
they’re kinda being drunken assholes in my book when customers are ostensibly being “nice” in movie bars, though. If two patrons jumped on the bar without permission and loudly started singing “Bennie and the Jets,” impeding every other customers’ ability to induce to the bar and order a drink, On what planet would anyone be pleased?
10) GETTING A DRINK ISN’T THAT IMPORTANT
Then again…getting a drink just isn’t that important for movie characters. Within the universe, sure, people move to bars to mingle with friends and toy with the alternative sex, but they’re mainly there to drink. And, if a bartender hasn’t acknowledged us after some minutes we start losing our shit. Not in movie bars, where people have all the time within the world to look at their bartenders dick around with bottles or dance atop the bar.
11) BUT GETTING “A BEER” IS
Of course, movie bars are the sole place that, when your bartender asks you what you would like to drink, you’ll answer within the generic…and, amazingly, he’ll still go fetch you something. Even Stanley Kubrick, famous for his excruciating attention to detail, was guilty of this. I used to be stunned the primary time I watched Eyes Wide Shut as Tom Cruise’s Dr. Bill character took a seat at the Sonata Cafe and ordered “a beer” without stating a brand.
12) …AND THEY’RE NEVER CROWDED
Finally, movies want you to believe their characters only soak up bars during hours when they’re completely empty. More likely, the assembly simply doesn’t want to pay any extras to fill out the scene.